Turbulence
by Northstar
Summary: Duo, Heero and Wufei go on a plane trip. Warning: Relena bashing ahead.


Author's note: Much thanks to all the people who reviewed my last story

Author's note:Much thanks to all the people who reviewed my last story.I wanted you all to know that I appreciate and love all reviews, good or bad. At least I know that way you're paying attention! =) Anyways, this story I write to pay homage to my best bud Black Crowe.She's going to the Land Down Under pretty soon, and this story is inspired by her!

Black Crowe:Awww, a story for me, inspired by me? It's about damn time!! =)

Northstar: Yup, it's my ode to the Crowe. Anyways, here it is.

Black Crowe: Hmm…can't wait to see what you've schemed up this time.Will there be Relena bashing?

Northstar: Oh yes, as always for you.

Black Crowe: *evil grin* Excellent!

Disclaimer:Gundam Wing? Not mine. Gotta problem with me writing about it Bandai?Well, that's too bad, cuz I'm not making a profit, so it's all legal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!Power to the People!

Rating: PG for mild cursing.

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Duo Maxwell grunted as he strained to pull his luggage down the hallway.

"Who knew all my vital hair necessities would be so damn heavy!" he complained as he dragged his suitcases a few more feet before stopping outside the door to Heero Yuy's bedroom. 

"Let's see," he began, "I have my strawberry shampoo, conditioner, brush, comb…" he continued to ramble off numerous other hair care products when Wufei came storming down the hall, nearly tripping over Duo's luggage.

"What is all this!?" he screamed angrily as he stubbed his toe on the corner of one of Duo's many suitcases."Are you daft!!?? That plane will never get off the ground with all of your crap on it!!And tell Yuy to hurry up, we're going to miss our cab!" he shrieked as he continued down the hall.

"Calm down Wu-man!That unsightly vein is popping out of your forehead again!" Duo shouted back at him.Then he turned back to the task at hand.

"Hey Heero!Are you ready in there yet?"

He waited a few moments and when he received no reply he started to become impatient.

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go." he started to sing, "I'm standing here outside your door.I hate to wake you up to say…WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR DAMN PLANE IF YOU DON'T HURRY YOUR ASS UP!!" 

To Duo's surprise, the door flew open to reveal a very annoyed looking Heero Yuy.

"I'm awake already!And I packed last night, unlike waiting till the last minute like some people!" he snorted.

Duo was a little taken aback by the sudden outburst of the Japanese pilot, but rebounded with, "Good morning Hee-chan!" Then gave him an evil smirk, relishing in the fact that he had already managed to get on Heero's nerves and they hadn't even made it to the airport yet.

"Don't call me that!" he snapped.

"Such hostility!" Duo said in a reprimanding tone.The door was promptly slammed back in his face.

Wufei stood at the end of the hallway, arms folded, with a look of disgust on his face.

"If you two are done bickering, our cab is here!" he shouted. "But if you don't want to go to Australia for our next mission, then by all means, we'll just stay here and piddle around the hallway for a few more hours." he remarked sarcastically.

Duo stuck his tongue out at the Chinese boy defiantly and rapped on Heero's door again.

"Did ya hear that oh Perfect One?" he mocked.

Heero threw the door back open and stepped out carrying a small suitcase and his laptop.Duo stared in amazement.

"What are you going to wear while we're there?" he said, arms flailing in the air for dramatic effect.

"I have everything I need in my suitcase." he replied in his usual monotone voice.

Duo just sighed and rolled his eyes, then commenced to haul his luggage down the hall towards the front door.It took quite a bit of effort on his part, but he finally managed to get all five suitcases in the trunk of the taxi.

"How long were you planning to stay there Maxwell?" Wufei remarked.

Duo just ignored him, as the three pilots piled into the cab.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"The airport." Heero answered and the taxi began to sputter down the road. The vehicle set a little lower to the ground on account of Duo's luggage and the driver didn't think they would make it past 50mph to even be able to use the freeway.

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By the time they got to the airport, the plane was just about ready to take off.

"Hurry up you guys!" Duo yelled as he dodged people left and right.Among the casualties he left in his wake were a little old lady, two little kids, and a number of other elderly citizens, whom he felt were moving far too slow on his imaginary fast lane.

"This is injustice!" Wufei hollered. "If you hadn't have packed so much junk we'd be on time and I wouldn't have to run! Out of my way granny!" he said as he shoved past the old lady that Duo had just knocked over.She went tumbling back to the floor."Weak onna!" Wufei cried.The old woman gave him a dirty look and shook her fist in retaliation.

Duo scanned the complex until he spotted the gate they were supposed to enter.He started to hop over the turnstile when something yanked him backwards causing him to fall on his butt.He sat up and tried to turn his head around only to realize that his braid had gotten stuck in the stupid thing.Heero and Wufei showed up seconds later and stood there laughing hysterically at him, until Heero glanced at his watch and remembered their flight.

"Get me outta this thing!" Duo commanded.

"I'll handle this," Wufei said and grabbed the turnstile and began to turn it one way.

"OUCH!" Duo yelped, "You're making it worse!" he whined.Which was true.Wufei had only succeeded in tangling his braid up more.

"Let me try," Heero said and shoved Wufei aside.He turned it the other way.

"ACK!" Duo shouted. "Stoppit! Don't turn _it_ just untangle my braid!" he ordered.

After about ten minutes, the two pilots finally managed to free their partner. However, Duo felt humiliated after a crowd had gathered, a few tourists took some snapshots, and someone had the audacity to actually suggest cutting the braid off.Had they no decency!? This was Duo's pride and joy they were talking about!Once the ordeal was over they were on their way again.

"Oh great!" Duo said shaking his head.What had so thoroughly agitated the American was that he had completely forgotten about the metal detector that passengers had to pass through before entering the terminal. He glanced back at Heero and thought, this'll be a while. At least it won't be as embarrassing as my little incident.

When Heero finally got to the front of the line, the guard asked him to step through the detector.As anticipated it beeped loudly and Heero was asked to remove any metal objects from his personage.

Heero took out his keys and a few coins.

"There!" he said confidently, "All done, can I go now?"

"Please walk through again sir." The guard asked.

"It's not necessary," Heero replied.

"It's policy," the guard retorted.

Heero gave him the patented Yuy Death Glare and reluctantly walked through again.As expected the alarm sounded a second time.Heero emptied a few more items from his pockets and proceeded through the metal detector again.After the fifth time the guard was becoming very annoyed.

"Sir, we have reason to believe that you are carrying some sort of weapon on you.Please remove it and place it in the tray so other people may board the plane." He said impatiently.

"Weapon? Whatever do you mean?" Heero said sounding insulted.

Seconds later…

"Have you any idea of how this will compromise the mission!?" Heero said after he was forced to relieve himself of all his artillery.The man just gave him a puzzled look and waved him through, trying to figure out how he managed to hide so many weapons on himself, when all he was wearing were jeans and a tank top. He had enough to supply a small army!

Duo was in no mood for pleasantries, so he grabbed Heero by the arm and hauled him towards the loading bay before he could make any further complaints.

"Friendly skies my ass!" Wufei yelled as he caught up with Duo and Heero.

Heero glanced back over his shoulder to see a lady with a rubber glove smiling and waving in Wufei's direction.He held back the urge to snicker.

"Don't even think about it Yuy!" Wufei threatened as he glared at the Japanese pilot, while he re-adjusted his pants.

Once they were seated, the flight attendant instructed them on the safety procedures that usually accompanied a plane trip.

"I don't need any woman telling me how to use a floatation device!" Wufei complained.

The flight attendant just gave him a dirty look.Meanwhile, Heero had made himself quite comfortable next to the window and was about to set up his laptop on his tray when Duo started pestering him.

"Heero, I've never seen the bright lights of Australia!Can I sit by the window? Pleeeeaaasssseeeee." he whined.

Heero just rolled his eyes."The only bright lights you'll get to see are the runway lights, what are you going on about!?" he said irritated.

"I like the window seat!" Duo pouted. "Besides I don't want to look at Wufei's sorry face for that many hours. Please." he pleaded.

"Did it ever occur to you that I might like the window seat as well?" Heero asked.

"Oh come on Heero!If you do this one favor for me, I won't bother you the rest of the flight!" he said, trying to sound convincing.

"Fine." Heero said in a deadpan voice and got up to switch seats.

"Thank you Hee-ch…" he started to say teasingly, "Thank you Heero." he corrected.

Heero just raised his eyebrow suspiciously at the braided pilot then sat down and flipped open his laptop.

After a few hours, it was quite evident that Wufei was thoroughly annoyed.The in-flight movie was Thelma and Louise.

"Why kind of airline would put their passengers through such suffering!" he yelled. "And why couldn't we have gotten tickets in first class, instead of being stuck back here with these heathens!?"

Wufei gazed around at the menagerie of pitiful looking faces.He was surprised when he turned back around to see the little old lady he had run down earlier.She belted him in the face with her purse and stormed back to her seat, while everyone applauded.

"I don't have to take this!" Wufei cried, "I demand to be moved up to first class!" 

With that, he unbuckled his seatbelt and tore into the first class compartment.When he got in there he glanced around, but none of the seats were empty.That's when he spotted it!He ran back to coach to alert the others.

Duo sat with his face plastered to the window.Heero was finished typing and looked over at the American pilot with a quizzical expression.

"Baka." He muttered.

"Heero!" Duo exclaimed in alarm.

"What now?" Heero sighed.

"There's something on the wing!There's some…thing…" he cried in terror.

"Where?" Heero asked curiously.

"Waaauuuggghhhhh!!!" Duo cried as he latched onto Heero, who jumped out of his seat and started to reach for the gun that wasn't there..Duo began to laugh maniacally.

"Dammit Duo!" Heero seethed. He was not at all amused by Duo's little joke.

That's when Wufei busted in and threw himself into the seat next to Heero.

"Yuy! You would not believe what I just saw!" he exclaimed.

"Leave me alone." Heero said with his monotone voice again.

"Was it something on the wing?" Duo prodded with a huge grin.

"No, something far worse than that." Wufei began to whisper, "I saw Relena Peacecraft in first class."

Heero, who was sitting with his eyes closed and arms folded suddenly sprang to attention.His eyes shot open and a look of utter shock crossed his face.

"_Her_ again!?" he began, "Why does she always seem to show up at the same places I'm at!?" he said, sounding both worried and confused.

Duo shrugged, "Maybe because she's a psychotic, obsessed princess who has nothing better to do than stalk a psychotic, obsessed killer?"

Heero squinted his eyes menacingly at Duo.

"Whoa, sorry buddy, just kidding," he said holding up his hands in defense awaiting some form of attack."I mean you're a little on the kamikaze side…"

Heero clamped his hand over Duo's mouth.

"Shut up."

Just then, Relena burst through the first class curtain.

"Oh Heero, I knew I smelled you…I…I mean…" she stuttered, " Heard you! Yes I knew I recognized that familiar voice." She giggled in delight.

Heero sat mortified. What was he to do now?They were on a plane, thousands of feet in the air. There was no escape.

Relena barreled over to where her beloved sat and shoved Wufei out of the way.

"Oh Heero! I'm so glad you're here. I was getting ever so lonely."

Heero's left eye began to spasm and twitch.What had he possibly done to deserve this?He looked over at Duo for some sort of assistance, but the American pilot only stood up and made his way to the aisle.

"Traitor!" Heero sneered, while Relena clung to him with her arms around his neck.

Heero watched as Duo disappeared through the first class curtain.His last hope had abandoned him.A few seconds later, everyone screamed as the plane went into a nosedive.Duo's voice rang out over the loud speaker.

"Attention folks this is your captain speaking, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Do not be alarmed."

"What is that idiot think he's doing!?" Relena cried.

The oxygen masks had dropped down, and Heero looked at them longingly, wishing they would emit some sort of morphine or narcotic that would put him out of his misery.Or even better, he thought, some sort of air-borne Ebola, then he could wrap the mask around Relena's face and force her to inhale it.After which he would jettison her out of the plane, and all would be well.

The plane started to barrel roll, and Relena who was not wearing a seat belt went tumbling all over the cabin, wailing for Heero to help her. The other passengers screamed in panic until the plane came to a stand still again. Relena landed with a thud onto some portly fellow who was bigger than most.Duo was then shoved back through the curtain and was scolded by the co-pilot and forced to sit back in his seat for the remainder of the flight.

He looked at Heero and shrugged, "I tried."

Relena pulled herself off the large gentleman and stormed back over to Heero's seat.

"YOU!" she screamed at Duo. "You always ruin everything!" Tears flooded her cheeks and she wept into Heero's shirt. He pushed himself as far back in his seat as he could and motioned to Duo.

"Get it off me!"

"I need a tissue," she sobbed, failing to catch Heero's comment.

Duo looked back towards the bathrooms, "Back there," he pointed.

She got up and made her way down the aisle, Heero sighed in relief.

Wufei sat in the seat behind him and said, "If I were you Yuy, I would just lock her in the bathroom."

Heero and Duo looked at each other menacingly. They both started to rub their hands together. The two got up and casually walked over to the back of the plane where the bathrooms were located.

Wufei smiled, "Finally, they listen to me."

When Relena emerged, Heero took her in his arms and held her close.

"Relena, I'm so sorry…"he began.

Relena felt as if she would burst with joy, her man held her in his arms and was apologizing for his friend's rude behavior.

"I know Heero," she cooed. "Don't worry about it."

"No," Heero interrupted, "I'm sorry I…" He winked at Duo, who grabbed the latch to the emergency exit and ripped it open. The air hit the three of them in the face and Relena began screaming.

"I'm sorry I didn't think of this before!" Heero shouted as he shoved Relena out of the open door.

One of the concerned passengers stood up and started yelling. "You forgot to give her a parachute!"

Heero looked at him dumbfounded, "No I didn't," he replied. Then an evil smirk spread across his face as Duo shut the door and re-secured the latch.

The two pilots ignored the shouts and cries of the other passengers and nonchalantly sat back in their seats.Wufei only stared in shock.

"How could you…How did.." he stuttered, "How did you ever think of something so ingenius!" he congratulated them.

The rest of the flight went by peacefully after Heero threatened to disembowel anyone who had any more complaints regarding his actions towards the annoying princess. All was calm until Duo turned to Heero and Wufei suddenly.

"There's something on the wing!" he cried.

"I'm not falling for that one again!" Heero snapped.

"Knock it off you weakling, it's becoming old." Wufei snorted.

"NO!" Duo shouted, " There _is_ something on the wing…some….thing!!!"

All three pilots gazed out the window to see what looked like a pink chiffon dress flapping in the breeze.They all began to laugh when they realized that it was only Relena clinging to the wing of the airplane crying for Heero.

"Heeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooo, I know you were just kidding! I know you didn't mean it!" she hollered.

"She is persistent, I'll give her that." Duo remarked.

The plane hit some turbulence and Heero's overhead compartment popped open.Something metallic clattered out and dropped into his lap.

Heero looked at it thoughtfully, "It must be a sign," he said as he gazed up at the ceiling.

Heero walked over to the emergency exit and unlatched it.He took careful aim and shot a line of fire right where Relena's fingers were clenched onto the wing. She yelped and let go.

Heero smiled, but then looked down to see the runway closing in.He had completely failed to notice that the captain had turned on the non-smoking sign, and instructed everyone to fasten their seatbelts for landing.

Instead of what he hoped would happen, Relena falling to her miserable death, she merely bounced and skidded across the runway a couple of times, before crashing to a halt in some bushes.

"Kuso!" Heero shouted in disgust.

After the ambulances hauled her off Duo commented, "Well at least she can't bug us for a while."

Heero had a sad look in his eye, like he was about to cry.

Northstar: Don't worry Heero! It had to be this way. After all, how will you be able to torture her more next time if she's not around? Isn't that the whole point, to make her life miserable, for all the suffering she's caused?

Heero and Duo shrugged.It sounded like it made sense to them.

"Just think of all the evil things you can do to her when she gets out of the hospital?" Duo suggested.

"Why wait?" Heero added.

"Now you're starting to think like me Yuy!" Wufei beamed. "Maybe we can mess up her charts and they'll give her some sort of surgery she doesn't need." Wufei mused.

They all looked at each other and grinned.

"First things first, you guys," Heero reminded them.

"Oh yeah," Duo sighed, "the mission."

The End.

Waaaaaiiiiiiiittttttttt!!! It just wouldn't be right without a newspaper headline.

**RELENA PEACECRAFT: UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT?**

**How low is she willing to stoop to avoid paying air fare? Incriminating photos taken of the cheap diplomat clinging to the wing of a 747. Page D7.**

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** **

Muwhahahahahahahahahah!

Now it is The End.

Well, what'd ya think? I know I'm no Shakespeare, but I thought it had just the right touch of Relena bashing. Hope ya liked it Black Crowe, though I gotta say it's not my best seeing as I wrote it at about 3am.


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